And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
