im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
