You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
