The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
