Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
