hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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