There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
