3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
