The maid of honor just puked.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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