Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
