.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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