u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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