I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
