the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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