Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
