the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
