3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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