How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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