yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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