He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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