Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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