I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
