were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
