You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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