Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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