shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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