Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
