I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
