based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
