I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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