I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
