I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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