I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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