I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
