I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
they're like a gay fantastic four
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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