Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
barbara walters just said penis...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
