I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
