I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
