Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
