My cat gives me a boner
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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