I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
