I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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