he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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