really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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