he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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