I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
