I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
