Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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