I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
