I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
