you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize