Heybabeimwearingurpanties
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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