Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
