I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I will pee on everything he values.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
