we have pet lesbian snakes
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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