your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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