On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
