I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
it glows. i had to have it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
