Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
