Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You ruined the universe
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize